Day 63 - Uncertainties
This was supposed to be a celebratory post. Hooray! I survived testicular cancer and made it through 9 weeks of chemotherapy! I might even add something about what lessons I had learned, and how I've grown a lot and how this whole experience has made me a better person. I might even add that I'm glad I got cancer, just so finally I can say something significant happened to me. Something I had to fight and defeat. This post was supposed to be all of these things. But it won't be.
After I got my right testicle removed, about 3 months ago, I had a doctors appointment where my urologist expressed surprise at the results. My AFP markers had gone up. At first he thought it was a mistake, if anything they should have gone down a little, so I got a second test. But it wasn't a mistake. I was not cured. At that point I was told I would need chemotherapy, and so I started this site to help me through it.
This is my last week of chemo. This was supposed to be my very last day. It was. Then about an hour ago I got a phone call. My last AFP marker results report my count as having gone up to 11 from 4. The nurse assured me it was probably a mistake, and I should come in on Monday to retake the test. She said it would be very unusual for the markers to go up, and my doctor is confident that the results are incorrect. I can't say I'm quite as confident. Intellectually, I understand how strange these results are. My counts had been going down, so the cancer was clearly responding well to the chemotherapy. Also, I got this test this Monday, which is nearly right in the middle of my 3rd cycle of BEP. Indeed, it seems strange that the cancer could start increasing before the treatment has even ended!
I understand this fact... but I don't feel it. I feel uncertain, I feel scared. I feel like I'm back to the beginning, sitting in the urologists office, listening to him explain that there's probably some kind of error with the test. It's been 9 weeks since then and after all I've gone through I still feel the same nerve endings in my brain firing. The same warning bells blaring. I can tell myself be calm, don't worry, just wait for the tests.
But my emotions don't understand English and, in any case, will not listen.
After I got my right testicle removed, about 3 months ago, I had a doctors appointment where my urologist expressed surprise at the results. My AFP markers had gone up. At first he thought it was a mistake, if anything they should have gone down a little, so I got a second test. But it wasn't a mistake. I was not cured. At that point I was told I would need chemotherapy, and so I started this site to help me through it.
This is my last week of chemo. This was supposed to be my very last day. It was. Then about an hour ago I got a phone call. My last AFP marker results report my count as having gone up to 11 from 4. The nurse assured me it was probably a mistake, and I should come in on Monday to retake the test. She said it would be very unusual for the markers to go up, and my doctor is confident that the results are incorrect. I can't say I'm quite as confident. Intellectually, I understand how strange these results are. My counts had been going down, so the cancer was clearly responding well to the chemotherapy. Also, I got this test this Monday, which is nearly right in the middle of my 3rd cycle of BEP. Indeed, it seems strange that the cancer could start increasing before the treatment has even ended!
I understand this fact... but I don't feel it. I feel uncertain, I feel scared. I feel like I'm back to the beginning, sitting in the urologists office, listening to him explain that there's probably some kind of error with the test. It's been 9 weeks since then and after all I've gone through I still feel the same nerve endings in my brain firing. The same warning bells blaring. I can tell myself be calm, don't worry, just wait for the tests.
But my emotions don't understand English and, in any case, will not listen.
posted by sleepwithoutdreams at 6:27 PM
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