Day 43 - How to Stare at the Wall

- so one day your white counts don't go back up as expected
- so the doctor prescribes a subcutaneous injection to boost them artificially... Of course there's side effects
- so your arms start swelling up painfully like you've lifted 300 pounds, and the doctor tells you to get ibuprofen for the pain,
- so you start taking pain killers and your stool gets hard and jagged
- so you shit blood and the nurses say the swelling has swallowed up your veins,
- so they stab you in the arms as you silently record the more painful angles of attack with closed eyes and convulsing hands.

***

It's Monday as I write this, the first day of my last cycle. 7 more days of shots. Tommorrow, 6 more days of shots. Wednesday will be particularly special: 5 more days of shots.
Thursday is getting ahead of my self.

I will be devoting this week to getting by.
Stop trying to enjoy yourself.
Drink more water. Eat more Protein.
Get used to the idea that protein is crunchy and comes in chocolate shake form.

This week I will devote to staring at the wall.
You'd be amazed at how satisfying staring at the wall can be.
You sit. You don't think. You don't blink.
You uncross your legs. This is not meditation.
You are not reaching a higher plain of existence. You are staring at the wall.
You are not drawing greater appreciation for inanimate objects. Do not pay attention to the wall.
Sit, stare, and expend as little energy and thought as possible.

Do not develop a mantra.
Do not fantasize.
You do not accept calls from god.
You are sorry, you can not come to the phone right now.
You are sorry, but you are not here.