Day 20 - used
My philosophy on developing a healthy emotional life is to recognize that what we desire most are not the people we meet, but the emotion of attraction. We want to feel attracted to another person, and for them to feel attracted to us.
The person themselves is not so important. What I mean is, once you stop feeling attraction while around someone, you should recognize that, and not continue on pretending that person is somehow special, and building them up to be more than they are.
I think people get too hung up on people, when they should be aware of the emotions they are feeling instead.
I called Cindy up a week ago, and we hung out, and it was actually pretty cool. I felt more in control and more clear on her feelings towards me. She enjoyed being around me, and felt bad when I didn't call her. Cool, so I feel special.
Until tonight. She called me up cause she was bored and stressed out and needed someone to talk to. I figure why not, I'll hang out with her for an hour or so and then maybe invite her back to watch a movie with me. It was a good plan.
What ended up happening is she sat me down for 50 minutes and began a monologue about all her problems. Health, guys, family, etc. I'm trying to enjoy myself, but I'm feeling more and more like a therapist and less like a friend or potential boyfriend. She's talking about how her ex was really busy at work, and when I asked her what he did she said,
"He plays an instrument."
"What instrument."
"An instrument."
"You don't know?"
"Yes, but I don't want to tell you."
For the rest of the conversation I slowly distanced myself from the table, and my concentration wandered up and down the walls of the bar.
"Are you okay? You look like you're somewhere else."
"I feel like I'm a therapist..."
I convinced her that if she didn't let me ask questions, then I was essentially being a therapist rather than a friend. So, reluctantly, she told me.
"Violin"
What a trivial secret to hide. This is not the first time this has happened with Cindy, and all it shows to me is that she doesn't feel like opening herself to me. But she doesn't mind using me to air out her personal problems.
I know girls like to talk, and if we want to make any connection, us guys want to listen. But what if you don't want to make a connection any more? Then you stop listening.
"Hey,I have a story too!" I begin telling her about last night, how I ended up 45 minutes away from the city at 4 am with no way to get back.
She wasn't interested, her eyes ran to every corner of the room. We paid the check and headed out into the street.
I'm trying to develop my story but she doesn't care and starts walking away from me down the street, intending for me to follow her.
"Nah, I think I'm going to head home, watch a movie, as I said I had a long night yesterday. You wanna come?"
"No. I'm going home." Rejection. I dunno, maybe she thought I was being an asshole for not paying more attention to her and coming with her down the street. Maybe she felt rejected and had to throw it back at me.
"Pshhh."
"Bye."
I say bye, trying to keep civil. But I feel used, and I feel let down, and I feel pissed off. I walk away, thinking to myself, "bitch."
I don't know, maybe I am a bit of an asshole. That's certainly an asshole thing to think. Maybe if I had focused a little more on her needs, she'd be more willing to meet me half way. Maybe I should have paid more attention, and then she'd feel close enough to me to actually show some attraction.
But fuck it. I'm not attached to her. And I have too much self respect to let myself get trampled on and used up.
So that's it. On the plus side, it seems like my instincts are good. Somewhere in my head I knew I was being used. I'm easily accessible (somewhat). Maybe I'm one of her only friends she can talk to about this stuff. But there's something disingenuous lying underneath the surface.
It's interesting, in one way, she's done nothing to help me grow, but in a another way, I've grown so much through meeting her, dating her, and forgetting about her. It's no great loss. As I say, I was I looking for attraction, not just a person. And whatever attraction there was is not to be found there anymore.
I start my second cycle of chemo on Monday.
The person themselves is not so important. What I mean is, once you stop feeling attraction while around someone, you should recognize that, and not continue on pretending that person is somehow special, and building them up to be more than they are.
I think people get too hung up on people, when they should be aware of the emotions they are feeling instead.
I called Cindy up a week ago, and we hung out, and it was actually pretty cool. I felt more in control and more clear on her feelings towards me. She enjoyed being around me, and felt bad when I didn't call her. Cool, so I feel special.
Until tonight. She called me up cause she was bored and stressed out and needed someone to talk to. I figure why not, I'll hang out with her for an hour or so and then maybe invite her back to watch a movie with me. It was a good plan.
What ended up happening is she sat me down for 50 minutes and began a monologue about all her problems. Health, guys, family, etc. I'm trying to enjoy myself, but I'm feeling more and more like a therapist and less like a friend or potential boyfriend. She's talking about how her ex was really busy at work, and when I asked her what he did she said,
"He plays an instrument."
"What instrument."
"An instrument."
"You don't know?"
"Yes, but I don't want to tell you."
For the rest of the conversation I slowly distanced myself from the table, and my concentration wandered up and down the walls of the bar.
"Are you okay? You look like you're somewhere else."
"I feel like I'm a therapist..."
I convinced her that if she didn't let me ask questions, then I was essentially being a therapist rather than a friend. So, reluctantly, she told me.
"Violin"
What a trivial secret to hide. This is not the first time this has happened with Cindy, and all it shows to me is that she doesn't feel like opening herself to me. But she doesn't mind using me to air out her personal problems.
I know girls like to talk, and if we want to make any connection, us guys want to listen. But what if you don't want to make a connection any more? Then you stop listening.
"Hey,I have a story too!" I begin telling her about last night, how I ended up 45 minutes away from the city at 4 am with no way to get back.
She wasn't interested, her eyes ran to every corner of the room. We paid the check and headed out into the street.
I'm trying to develop my story but she doesn't care and starts walking away from me down the street, intending for me to follow her.
"Nah, I think I'm going to head home, watch a movie, as I said I had a long night yesterday. You wanna come?"
"No. I'm going home." Rejection. I dunno, maybe she thought I was being an asshole for not paying more attention to her and coming with her down the street. Maybe she felt rejected and had to throw it back at me.
"Pshhh."
"Bye."
I say bye, trying to keep civil. But I feel used, and I feel let down, and I feel pissed off. I walk away, thinking to myself, "bitch."
I don't know, maybe I am a bit of an asshole. That's certainly an asshole thing to think. Maybe if I had focused a little more on her needs, she'd be more willing to meet me half way. Maybe I should have paid more attention, and then she'd feel close enough to me to actually show some attraction.
But fuck it. I'm not attached to her. And I have too much self respect to let myself get trampled on and used up.
So that's it. On the plus side, it seems like my instincts are good. Somewhere in my head I knew I was being used. I'm easily accessible (somewhat). Maybe I'm one of her only friends she can talk to about this stuff. But there's something disingenuous lying underneath the surface.
It's interesting, in one way, she's done nothing to help me grow, but in a another way, I've grown so much through meeting her, dating her, and forgetting about her. It's no great loss. As I say, I was I looking for attraction, not just a person. And whatever attraction there was is not to be found there anymore.
I start my second cycle of chemo on Monday.
posted by sleepwithoutdreams at 11:57 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home