Day 11 - Living Forever in Pain
My life is currently cut into three slices: chemo, cancer, and women. Out of those three, only chemo hasn't hurt me.
Had my bleomycin shot on Monday, and other than a little redness on my stomach and chest, I feel fine. No nausea, no tiredness, if I didn't have a shaved head, I probably would forget I'm going through chemo.
Speaking of which I applied some sunless tanner on my pearly white dome to get a tan and now I have bright orange streaks down the back of my white head. I don't know if it's a good look or not. I can't see back there.
Anyways, that's not on my mind right now, as you probably deduced from the opener.
I'm currently trying to figure out what to do with this one girl... we'll call her Cindy. Cindy is the most beautiful girl I've ever dated. Although it's up for debate as to how many dates I've had with her. After the fifth or so, I started to get the "friend" vibe. Then I took her out one night to a bar with some people and she seemed really into my one friend. And then I cut off all communication with her.
Let me say this, ladies, it is not necessary for you to like or enjoy the company of the friends of the guy you are dating. In fact it's better if you hate them.
I couldn't stop imagining my friend ending up with this girl, even though he probably wouldn't do that cause he's a good guy. However, that very thing, only made him more indifferent to the girl, and therefore more desirable. The one thing I can not tolerate with women is being in second place. If I'm not your number one interest, I'm not interested.
My thought for the rest of the night was getting this girl away from my friend before they exchanged phone numbers and ended up together, which would have really fucked up my friendship. Not necessarily cause I'm a jealous bastard, but it's difficult to see your friend take a girl you like and not feel some twinge of emotional devastation.
She called me a week or two later and I let it goto voicemail. She was wondering what I was up to, and to give her a call if I was going drinking with my friends. Thank you, I was looking to put another nail in the coffin before I buried it.
So that was that. Of course, I felt kind of bad just ignoring her. She didn't do anything wrong. I fucked up. I failed to get her interested in me quickly enough. Beginner's mistakes. Missed the opportunity to kiss her when things were peaking. Oh well, my bad. Won't happen again. Still - not her fault. I had to give her some kind of reason for not seeing her again. Fortunately, roughly around the time I received the news of my rising alpha fetaprotein markers, and the need to have 9 weeks of chemotherapy. What luck!
"[BEEEEEP] Hi Cindy, this is Seth. Look I know it's like I fell off the face of the earth, but I've had a lot of stuff happen in my life right now. I've just been diagnosed with testicular cancer, and I'm going to be going through 9 weeks of chemo therapy. I'll give you a call in like 3 months. Bye."
Okay, so that's still pretty terrible, but hey, she knows it's not her fault, she doesn't feel rejected, and I don't have to deal with her ever again unless I want to. (3 months is the dating equivalent of never)
So I figured that was that. But it wasn't.
A couple of hours ago, Cindy called me, I silenced the ringer and let it goto voicemail. I don't need that kinda stress in my life, not now, but if she's got something to tell me, I'm willing to let my voicemail plead her case.
Pretty standard fare. It's been a long time since we talked. Give me a call if you feel up to it.
"I miss you... bye"
I'm such a sucker for "I miss you." Maybe it makes me think about everyone I've ever wanted to say that to. Everyone important to me who've left and I've never seen again. Maybe it's the sincere way she said it. Like we had a bigger connection that I thought, and I was just oblivious to it. Maybe she feels sorry that I have cancer, and somehow that makes her want to be with me.
Maybe it's a trap.
Maybe I call her up, and we hang out, and I find out we're still just friends, and I'm just one of the guys she keeps around to make her self feel good, and then one day we're hanging out with people and she ends up hooking up with one of my friends and I feel like a loser who can't close a girl he's picked up.
Beautiful girls fuck you up. You look at them, and suddenly you can't tell if you like being with them, or if you're just hypnotized and you actually feel like shit hanging around them; you only think you like them cause they're hot.
If she wasn't so fucking attractive, I'd be able to consider having her as a friend, but that's not an option here.
Being friends with Cindy would be dogshit torturous hell. And then I would jump off a bridge and shoot myself in the head.
Let me explain my "rule of friendship." If Person 1 just wants to be friends, but Person 2 wants MORE than friendship, then Person 2 is condemned to die a slow painful death. Obviously Person 2 will accept friendship. Person 2 will take whatever Person 1 offers, because Person 2 likes Person 1 so much. What Person 2 forgets is that friendship is not a step towards a relationship. So, Person 1 will be happy that they are friends. And Person 2 will be forever in pain. Well. Sometimes Person 2 will do something like confess undying love towards Person 1, and Person 1 will get creeped out, and then Person 2 will be able to move on. But living forever in pain is the standard I think.
Anyways, I'm going to call her. I have to. I can't resist "I miss you"s. I hope round two of chemo is more painful.
I think I'm going to need something to distract myself.
Had my bleomycin shot on Monday, and other than a little redness on my stomach and chest, I feel fine. No nausea, no tiredness, if I didn't have a shaved head, I probably would forget I'm going through chemo.
Speaking of which I applied some sunless tanner on my pearly white dome to get a tan and now I have bright orange streaks down the back of my white head. I don't know if it's a good look or not. I can't see back there.
Anyways, that's not on my mind right now, as you probably deduced from the opener.
I'm currently trying to figure out what to do with this one girl... we'll call her Cindy. Cindy is the most beautiful girl I've ever dated. Although it's up for debate as to how many dates I've had with her. After the fifth or so, I started to get the "friend" vibe. Then I took her out one night to a bar with some people and she seemed really into my one friend. And then I cut off all communication with her.
Let me say this, ladies, it is not necessary for you to like or enjoy the company of the friends of the guy you are dating. In fact it's better if you hate them.
I couldn't stop imagining my friend ending up with this girl, even though he probably wouldn't do that cause he's a good guy. However, that very thing, only made him more indifferent to the girl, and therefore more desirable. The one thing I can not tolerate with women is being in second place. If I'm not your number one interest, I'm not interested.
My thought for the rest of the night was getting this girl away from my friend before they exchanged phone numbers and ended up together, which would have really fucked up my friendship. Not necessarily cause I'm a jealous bastard, but it's difficult to see your friend take a girl you like and not feel some twinge of emotional devastation.
She called me a week or two later and I let it goto voicemail. She was wondering what I was up to, and to give her a call if I was going drinking with my friends. Thank you, I was looking to put another nail in the coffin before I buried it.
So that was that. Of course, I felt kind of bad just ignoring her. She didn't do anything wrong. I fucked up. I failed to get her interested in me quickly enough. Beginner's mistakes. Missed the opportunity to kiss her when things were peaking. Oh well, my bad. Won't happen again. Still - not her fault. I had to give her some kind of reason for not seeing her again. Fortunately, roughly around the time I received the news of my rising alpha fetaprotein markers, and the need to have 9 weeks of chemotherapy. What luck!
"[BEEEEEP] Hi Cindy, this is Seth. Look I know it's like I fell off the face of the earth, but I've had a lot of stuff happen in my life right now. I've just been diagnosed with testicular cancer, and I'm going to be going through 9 weeks of chemo therapy. I'll give you a call in like 3 months. Bye."
Okay, so that's still pretty terrible, but hey, she knows it's not her fault, she doesn't feel rejected, and I don't have to deal with her ever again unless I want to. (3 months is the dating equivalent of never)
So I figured that was that. But it wasn't.
A couple of hours ago, Cindy called me, I silenced the ringer and let it goto voicemail. I don't need that kinda stress in my life, not now, but if she's got something to tell me, I'm willing to let my voicemail plead her case.
Pretty standard fare. It's been a long time since we talked. Give me a call if you feel up to it.
"I miss you... bye"
I'm such a sucker for "I miss you." Maybe it makes me think about everyone I've ever wanted to say that to. Everyone important to me who've left and I've never seen again. Maybe it's the sincere way she said it. Like we had a bigger connection that I thought, and I was just oblivious to it. Maybe she feels sorry that I have cancer, and somehow that makes her want to be with me.
Maybe it's a trap.
Maybe I call her up, and we hang out, and I find out we're still just friends, and I'm just one of the guys she keeps around to make her self feel good, and then one day we're hanging out with people and she ends up hooking up with one of my friends and I feel like a loser who can't close a girl he's picked up.
Beautiful girls fuck you up. You look at them, and suddenly you can't tell if you like being with them, or if you're just hypnotized and you actually feel like shit hanging around them; you only think you like them cause they're hot.
If she wasn't so fucking attractive, I'd be able to consider having her as a friend, but that's not an option here.
Being friends with Cindy would be dogshit torturous hell. And then I would jump off a bridge and shoot myself in the head.
Let me explain my "rule of friendship." If Person 1 just wants to be friends, but Person 2 wants MORE than friendship, then Person 2 is condemned to die a slow painful death. Obviously Person 2 will accept friendship. Person 2 will take whatever Person 1 offers, because Person 2 likes Person 1 so much. What Person 2 forgets is that friendship is not a step towards a relationship. So, Person 1 will be happy that they are friends. And Person 2 will be forever in pain. Well. Sometimes Person 2 will do something like confess undying love towards Person 1, and Person 1 will get creeped out, and then Person 2 will be able to move on. But living forever in pain is the standard I think.
Anyways, I'm going to call her. I have to. I can't resist "I miss you"s. I hope round two of chemo is more painful.
I think I'm going to need something to distract myself.
posted by sleepwithoutdreams at 10:36 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home