The Beginning of the World
I'm literally taking off work tomorrow to go masturbate.
It's my first sperm bank appointment. In many ways I feel like I've spent years training for this moment. Dilligently slaving away at all hours of the night, perfecting my sperm production abilities. In fact it was during one such night when I found the bump for the first time.
It was late, and I was masturbating vigorously when my fingers brushed up against a hard spot and every muscle on my face froze.
I knew. Instantly.
Cold panic sweat shot out from every pore and I became frantic. I checked, and then checked again, and then again. It was small and difficult to find each time, but it was there.
That moment, right then, that was probably the worst I've ever felt. Complete utter despair. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was dreaming. In fact, it wasn't all that unlikely that I was dreaming. I'd had plenty of lucid dreams in the past, and as any lucid dreamer knows, dreams can be 100% realistic. Well almost 100%. (Clocks don't work very well)
I examined my alarm clock and did a reality check. And then again. And again. I've never been so unhappy to realize I wasn't dreaming. This was really happening. It was all happening, live, right in front of me. I sat there helpless, while I felt my entire life changing around my ears.
I knew it wasn't the end of the world. But I wasn't yet willing to accept the kind of world it was the beginning of. The kind of world which involved embarrassing doctors appointments, and worrisome parents. The kind of world where you have to worry about disease and death. The kind of world where you exist only with one testicle.
It's pretty incredible what you can accept when you have no other options.
I stepped through the door, and found my self in the world of testicular cancer. Let me say, once you're here, it's actually not so bad. There are friendly doctors, 98% cure rates, and some humorous life experiences to be had.
For instance, tomorrow, I'm taking off work to go masturbate. Oh yeah, and its PTO.
It's my first sperm bank appointment. In many ways I feel like I've spent years training for this moment. Dilligently slaving away at all hours of the night, perfecting my sperm production abilities. In fact it was during one such night when I found the bump for the first time.
It was late, and I was masturbating vigorously when my fingers brushed up against a hard spot and every muscle on my face froze.
I knew. Instantly.
Cold panic sweat shot out from every pore and I became frantic. I checked, and then checked again, and then again. It was small and difficult to find each time, but it was there.
That moment, right then, that was probably the worst I've ever felt. Complete utter despair. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was dreaming. In fact, it wasn't all that unlikely that I was dreaming. I'd had plenty of lucid dreams in the past, and as any lucid dreamer knows, dreams can be 100% realistic. Well almost 100%. (Clocks don't work very well)
I examined my alarm clock and did a reality check. And then again. And again. I've never been so unhappy to realize I wasn't dreaming. This was really happening. It was all happening, live, right in front of me. I sat there helpless, while I felt my entire life changing around my ears.
I knew it wasn't the end of the world. But I wasn't yet willing to accept the kind of world it was the beginning of. The kind of world which involved embarrassing doctors appointments, and worrisome parents. The kind of world where you have to worry about disease and death. The kind of world where you exist only with one testicle.
It's pretty incredible what you can accept when you have no other options.
I stepped through the door, and found my self in the world of testicular cancer. Let me say, once you're here, it's actually not so bad. There are friendly doctors, 98% cure rates, and some humorous life experiences to be had.
For instance, tomorrow, I'm taking off work to go masturbate. Oh yeah, and its PTO.
posted by sleepwithoutdreams at 1:27 AM
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