Day 26 - symptoms and side effects
All I want to do is sleep. And I don't even want to do that.
My stomach feels funny. My room is cluttered with empty containers of water, ensure, poweraid. Piled with half eaten snacks, chips ahoy, pretzels, macadamian nuts.
I find if I can get the right amount of food in me, this feeling in my stomach goes away. Right now, for instance, I'm almost certain that crackers with half a block of monterey jack cheese would do the trick, but preparing a meal like that... It would require turning on the light. Getting out of bed. Taking my dirty plate off my radiator and scraping the crumbs into the sink. So we'll see about that.
Cycle 2 sucks so far. This week consisted of 4 hours of injections every day. I just want to sleep it off, but sleep is neither fun nor easy. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on lucid dreaming, but I can barely catch a normal dream much less work up some level of awareness. I think my hunger senses have been replaced by a dull queasiness in my abdomen, that tells me I need to shove another cookie down my throat. Most of the crumbs get in my bed sheets.
My phone has two voice mails. I haven't even listened to them. I'm not even thinking of going out tonight. My only goal is to get by. If I can just make the next 12 hours warp by... I don't know what happens then. But it seems like the right thing to wish for.
I do not look very healthy now. But I'm not sure if that's because I actually don't look healthy, or just because I don't feel healthy. Everyday after chemo I look in the mirror and my pupils float at the top of my eye sockets like dead fish in a bucket. I shaved my head yesterday, and discovered that there's a difference between actually losing your hair and just shaving it. I was hoping I'd be completely bald this time around, but only patches of hair on my head have died, leaving disgusting patterns just below the surface of my skin where I can't clip them.
The skin on my face looks blotchy and dry, and whats left of my facial hair stubble feels crusty and dead. I've lost most of my pubic hair, which is alright, I like the pornstar look, but my chest hair seems to be thinning out, which I think makes me look pale and sickly. I swear my nipples are turning gray.
I feel scatterbrained and unfocused most of the time. And I don't care. I don't care about work, I don't care about girls, I don't care about music, I don't care about movies. All I care about are symptoms and side effects. Chemotherapy has stopped being an excuse. Now its the only thing happening.
My stomach feels funny. My room is cluttered with empty containers of water, ensure, poweraid. Piled with half eaten snacks, chips ahoy, pretzels, macadamian nuts.
I find if I can get the right amount of food in me, this feeling in my stomach goes away. Right now, for instance, I'm almost certain that crackers with half a block of monterey jack cheese would do the trick, but preparing a meal like that... It would require turning on the light. Getting out of bed. Taking my dirty plate off my radiator and scraping the crumbs into the sink. So we'll see about that.
Cycle 2 sucks so far. This week consisted of 4 hours of injections every day. I just want to sleep it off, but sleep is neither fun nor easy. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on lucid dreaming, but I can barely catch a normal dream much less work up some level of awareness. I think my hunger senses have been replaced by a dull queasiness in my abdomen, that tells me I need to shove another cookie down my throat. Most of the crumbs get in my bed sheets.
My phone has two voice mails. I haven't even listened to them. I'm not even thinking of going out tonight. My only goal is to get by. If I can just make the next 12 hours warp by... I don't know what happens then. But it seems like the right thing to wish for.
I do not look very healthy now. But I'm not sure if that's because I actually don't look healthy, or just because I don't feel healthy. Everyday after chemo I look in the mirror and my pupils float at the top of my eye sockets like dead fish in a bucket. I shaved my head yesterday, and discovered that there's a difference between actually losing your hair and just shaving it. I was hoping I'd be completely bald this time around, but only patches of hair on my head have died, leaving disgusting patterns just below the surface of my skin where I can't clip them.
The skin on my face looks blotchy and dry, and whats left of my facial hair stubble feels crusty and dead. I've lost most of my pubic hair, which is alright, I like the pornstar look, but my chest hair seems to be thinning out, which I think makes me look pale and sickly. I swear my nipples are turning gray.
I feel scatterbrained and unfocused most of the time. And I don't care. I don't care about work, I don't care about girls, I don't care about music, I don't care about movies. All I care about are symptoms and side effects. Chemotherapy has stopped being an excuse. Now its the only thing happening.
posted by sleepwithoutdreams at 8:57 PM
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